Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
