Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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