Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
