I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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