she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
