i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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