I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
