Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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