Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
