I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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