Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
