I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
