and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
