I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
