She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
