remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
