the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
