I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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