god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I love having hate sex.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
