One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
