Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm passing your future prison.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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