That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
