Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
