dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
