The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
