...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
