when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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