nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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