do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
