The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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