I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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