Apparently you make a good broom.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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