Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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