Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
