I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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