I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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