i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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