when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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