i think my tv is drunk
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
