a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
