I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
