it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
