So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I fill condoms, not promises.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
