chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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