just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
