Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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