if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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