cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
being pregnant is like rehab
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
