I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
