Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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